The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done...Breastfeed
I always knew I wanted to breastfeed. I went to antenatal classes, made sure I was armed with all the information. I even went to a breastfeeding seminar. But so much of the time when you are pregnant is focused on the birth that you don’t really think about breastfeeding until the baby has arrived.
I had a very straight forward birth at the hospital without any interventions or pain relief. I was back home 3 hours later. I never wanted to stay in hospital because I worked there and had heard all of the horror stories of nurses shoving babies at the boob. So I went home. Within 2 days my nipples were cracked and bleeding. Breastfeeding became so painful that I dreaded every feed. The midwives helped me with latching every time they visited and my own mum, a seasoned breastfeeder, also gave me support but it wasn’t helping. Why was breastfeeding so hard? Wasn’t it meant to be natural?
I called the hospital Lactation Service and booked in an appointment with the Lactation Consultant. By this point it was pretty bad and it had only been a few days since I birthed. The Lactation Consultant was lovely. She consuled me as I cried my eyes out, upset at the pain and desperation to want to breastfeed. She put me on a pumping plan to rest my damaged nipples and off I went to buy a breastpump. I brought a pump from a department store in town (rookie mistake) and over the next few days my own breastmilk supply drastically dropped to less than what my little baby needed. I don’t remember being taught paced bottle feeding in the blur of newborn life but I am grateful someone did.
Still unable to latch, I sought a second opinion and baby was diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie that I had snipped privately.
As the amount of formula in the bottle increased, and my own milk decreased to almost nothing, I could feel my mental health slipping. I desperately wanted to breastfeed. People would tell me “at least your baby can take a bottle” but that was the last thing I wanted to hear.
3 weeks since my baby had latched and my stubborness took over. I spent hours searching the internet for solutions while I tried to express. I brought some shields, a hospital-grade double breast pump and sought a prescription for domperidone. I refused to use the bottle and formula anymore and would only breastfeed and express.
That stubborness paid off and my baby breastfed for 22 months before she self weaned. I never touched formula again and ended up with a freezer full of milk. We never did manage to get rid of the shields and for me that was ok. If that’s what it took for me to reach my goal of breastfeeding, then I was ok with that.
Looking back on this journey armed with the information I learnt while training as a Lactation consultant myself, puts things into a very different light. I am not convinced that my baby had a posterior tongue tie. I absolutely believe that they exist, I just don’t think it was that causing my issues. I had truly inverted nipples and a terrible latching technique that combined with the adhesions behind the nipple, is what I think was really going on.
I wish that I had asked for help and sought help from a private LC sooner so that I didn’t do most of the journey alone. The hospital ones were great but I know I needed more one-on-one support.
I wish that I had known more about donor milk. 7 years ago the milk bank didn’t exist.
When I’m supporting you, know that I’ve been there. I’ve been where you are. Together we can do this.